My Journal of Grief 7-13-15

Have you ever felt like you missed the mark? Like you were suppose to do something and didn’t? I have been guilty of this many times, and thought maybe I had learned my lesson…but apparently not!

On one of questions asked on the Sunshine Blogger award, I was asked what book would I recommend. My answer was the Bible, but I also said, “Just enjoy reading. I’m preaching to myself. Will explain another time, 🤐” Well, I’m going to try to explain here.

I felt led to share my journal entries yesterday, but didn’t do it…I felt it was too close-up and personal. I wanted to post something on a happier tone. Nothing else came to me, so I brushed the feeling aside and didn’t post anything.

Today my friend, Debbie from beetreegathering, lost her dad. Maybe this was suppose to be for her…This may be a long post, so my apologies ahead of time.

The above pic is from the cover of my last journal, a gift from a friend. To explain a little before sharing the journal entries, my father passed away in November of 2012 and also my step mom a couple years later.

Something happened inside me that changed me. Before that time, I was an avid reader and journaler. But after my dad’s death, and then my step mom’s, I no longer could do either. My spirit felt crippled. I have been able to read a little the past year. I only made two journal entries in 2015 and two in 2018, since my dad first passed away.

(Please forgive my sloppy handwriting!)

(I’m gonna recap the rest, due to privacy of names, etc., that need to stay private.)

His Hospice nurse came out. Through all this, we felt peace.

….Before the funeral, my pastor walked up to my step-mom and I during the last viewing of my father. He looked peaceful. The military flag was draped at the end and felt so honoring to his memory.

It was at this moment that Nerene told us both about Dad reading and kissing his Bible very night before he went to bed. I was trying not to lose it.

My Dad had never told the pastor that he had been in WWII and the Korean War. Daddy never talked about the war to us kids. It was either too traumatic for him, or maybe he was just trying to protect us. We will never know.

He had started out as a young 17 year old in the navy, who had lied about his age in order to enlist. He was on the ship, USS St. Louis at Pearl Harbor. Then moved on later to the army and became a Sargent.

In the eulogy, pastor brought out all that. But something else happened to me during his funeral. I couldn’t cry. I held it all in. My Dad was from the old-school. I have mentioned this. Most men of this era, didn’t like for anyone to see them cry. Maybe I felt it was honoring to his memory.

And I didn’t cry after that. Whenever I thought of my Dad and tears threatened, I thought of something else. So for several years, I held my grief inside.

I don’t exactly know, but maybe it was last year or the year before, I was watching a movie by myself one night. I had no idea the movie would end with the Dad coming down with a disease and dying. The dam broke inside me, and I cried till I didn’t have any tears left.

I was able to let go of the grief. I didn’t know why the movie had caused me to do that. But I have realized since then, I had locked my grief away as a memorial to him.

Yes, grief is a funny thing. Grief comes in many forms, shapes and sizes. Please know that you must let someone grieve the way they feel they need to. Do NOT judge anyone if you do not see any tears. It does not mean they don’t care. I can remember making that snap judgement one time. I am woman enough to realize I was very wrong. I didn’t know any better.

Along the way if you need counseling, please seek it. Do what you have to in order to heal.

Get angry if you feel like getting angry. Pray to God and tell him every feeling, good or bad, that you are feeling or not feeling.

Cry on someone’s shoulder, call someone and talk about your loved one’s memory, watch sad movies, but grieve. Let yourself cry. Allow yourself to cry. It’s ok to cry.

Remember the good times and the bad times. I wish someone had told me that back then.

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20 thoughts on “My Journal of Grief 7-13-15

  1. This is so very moving Reena. Thankyou for sharing this intimately personal stuff. I too was brought up not to cry EVER. It has been hard on me. Even now, I find it hard to cry and feel bad if I do. It is SO true that we can only do things our own way. God bless you Reena, and your friend Debbie too ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

      1. I understand Reena. It came through from what you wrote that you were brought up not to cry. People often tell us to cry,cry,cry. Even in here, in WP people say it and they are right, but so many of us were brought up not to. I do pray for both you and your friend Debbie, Reena

        Liked by 1 person

  2. God is never late. God Bless you for sharing this at the exact moment, that I needed to read it. I am laying beside my mom who was devestated by the loss of her husband they have been married 57 years. I will not leaver her alone. I am listening to every breath she takes, life is precious, love your family, forgive often, and love much! Renee I thank you for sharing your heart, I love you sweet friend, I am requesting prayer for my family, we feel very broken, yet we know the Potter can put us back together again, oh how he loves each and everyone of us. I have felt his peace so profoundly in the hours since my dad passed, it was unexpected and swift, he fought vigilantly and God took him home. Even in my hours of grief, I give God praise and glory and I give thanks for the time we had with my dad. I’m gonna miss him. God will walk us through. Blessings and my love to you all who faithfully inspire and encourage me daily with your wonderful blogs, they have been so healing to me. Love Sister Debra ❤️

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I love you my friend! You always know what to say, even in your own pain. I asked prayer for you and your family at church tonight. And will continue to pray! Please reach out to me any time you need to talk! I’m here for you! Please let your mom know I’m so sorry for her loss, as well.

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  3. This is so personal and sweet… Thank you for sharing! I’m the kind of girl who HATES to cry in front of people or at all. I’ve been trying to breakdown that wall that I’ve put up because I know it’s not good to keep everything in. I will be praying for your friend! I don’t know her or the family but my heart hurts for them! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks V! It’s hard to put yourself out there when it’s THIS personal. I have honestly never let anyone read my journals. But it was what I felt God wanted.
      I have my moments when I do and sometimes don’t cry. I do cry a lot when I worship or read a touching post. I pray that you can open up with your emotions, especially with God. He knows and understands everything we are feeling or not feeling. Thanks for the prayers for my friend. She will appreciate that! Praying for you and your family, with your dad’s situation.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I do cry at church and when I pray. I just don’t cry in front of people besides at church. When I’m at church that’s when I let it all out.

        Thank you for the prayers! I appreciate them!❤😊

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I usually cry in private, grieve in private. Most of the time I like it but realize it’s ok to be that way but others can read that wrong. I was sitting with an elderly lady when the twin towers were taken down to nothing. she and I watched it everyday and after a few days she ask me if I ever cried. To her my lack of tears was not good. When my Mom died two years ago I held myself together to get through it not for my sake but for the sake of others I told myself. The day after we buried her we were staying with some friends and everyone went to bed. I sit up all night crying, no one knew it, not even my husband. I know it’s not a pride issue or God would have shown me that but it’s the way my heart and personality works. There have been so many times in my life I knew I could not fall apart for the sake of others and God helped me not. Music brings tears to my eyes mostly. Good preaching makes me want to shout but I contain that most of the time. My Grandchildren give me joy that produces tears at time. When I hurt deeply I like to grieve deeply alone. Except I am never alone, He is always with me, He knows my heart better than anyone. Sweet honest post and bless you for being so open with this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Betty that is so sweet baring your thoughts to me! We all grieve and react differently. Sometimes we feel we have to be strong for others, too. God is always by our side even in our “alone” times.

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  5. Thank you for sharing a part of your personal life ” “No matter the pain or suffering, it is always better if it’s a burden shared by two, instead of a weight carried by one alone”… and your father will have a special place in your heart and will always be with you…

    Do not stand at my grave and weep
    I am not there, I do not sleep
    I am a thousand winds that blow
    I am the diamonds glints in the snow
    I am the sunlight on ripened grain
    I am the gentle autumn rain
    When you awaking in the morning hush
    I am the swift uplifting rush of quiet birds in circled flight
    I am the soft star that shines at night
    Do not stand by my grave and cry
    I am not there, I did not die
    (Mary Frye)

    it is okay to cry when the heart wants to and the heart will go on… 🙂

    “There are things that we don’t want to happen but have to accept, things we don’t want to know but have to learn, people we can’t live without but have to let go.” ― Nancy Stephan

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  6. Angie, lost one of her sons almost 7 years ago now. I went to gravesite with her one day at her request. As I was there holding her she finally let the floodgate open. It was the first time she had ever cried at the gravesite. I was the luckiest man alive that day as I got to hold the strongest woman I know as she cried.

    Thank you Renee for sharing this with us. What a blessing it will be to others!

    Like

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